Its been a strange day today ….a few wins and yet at the close of the day I feel this sense of loss………I did well today ..sort of saw one of my dreams comin true…or lets not call it a dream ..lets say one of my two second dreams cause it wasn’t a biggie ..it felt good for a minute and then the moment passed ..….
I didn’t know who to call ….P would not be in town …..S busy with harrowing managers and a dozen issues…m …n…… n ……maybe tell them in the evening when I am there…….hey wait a minute my hand reaches for the phone and then no……. no point ..wouldn’t understand ..wouldn’t be there ..wouldn’t care ..after all its my work …….my non required ambition …my problem
So I put the phone down …
i think I really need to get on with things ….definitely need to find that lovin feeling and some sunshine ..my minds craving for some peace …like the head which longs for rest on a cool pillow ……kick off my shoes ..stretch those legs ...throw back my head ….hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
But god who would have thought simple dreams can be so complicated….
My mind wanders ……met the rain man today….like the cloud which almost followed me around to rain me down…yup that’s how I would describe our relationship…why are people u hardly know and possibly welcomed with an open heart let you down. why are they mean & nasty when you in turn have done absolutely nothing to them……can still not figure that out ..what had I done ..did I ask to know them ..to ever be introduced ..to ever talk…..did I ask to be acquaintances or friends …then when I hear a no I wonder of the why??
Why Mr Rain man did you seek me out and rain on my day ……..why when I am not the kind of person who would have ever stepped in your way….why when you had no warmth or friendship to share………………..
Why be the dark cloud which rained on my day …and who’s cruel actions I will never forget ……felt cheated ..felt let down…felt hurt ……felt betrayed ..but ahh I guess that’s life…..
The memories are raw and you push them deep back down so they don’t resurface but heck………..each time we meet will always catch a glimpse of the rain man…………………..
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Monday, May 7, 2007
La Kheim………………..
Yawn...its 1000 PM and the weekends soon going to be over...let it not be tomorrow …lord let it not be tomorrow …have not disliked my work with such a vengeance ..uptil now …..Catch myself wishing everyday that I didn’t have to go...That I didn’t belong there …that I had some choice and could actually exercise it …..It is a democratic nation after all….
But as they say you have to be patient and ironically life actually makes you do things that you would rather not sometimes…
Nope don’t get me wrong...Am not one of those people who blame the I ching or forces...just that am currently stuck in one of those routine quagmires that sometimes all of us find ourselves in and know that it would take sometime to find my way out…..i also know that I am not the only one here …am sure there are hundreds of people out there stuck in their own puddles trying to find there way out …
Like I said earlier i would like to start over …would like a fresh beginning...New challenges...New lands to traverse…would want to change what I do for a living .perhaps because I realize that with what I do I would not realize my full potential..
Want to do something creative …universal studios. Paramount here I come. Want to write a book. learn a language …swim…cook some more………live life …build my dream house…still need to decide the place ……
But like always the right choices are always the harder ones….there is a risk that I would fail. One side of me dares me to take the chance …to not succumb to the fear of failure...but the other side tells me that I am earning well. slowly gradually in this job I would rise …rise to earn some more… to be as they say well provided for …and yes that’s a relative terms and I know this job aint making me a millionaire but what about this dream job…where I don’t even know what would my fate be like .. Would I get hired …..Would i be able to make it..What if joining the job makes me loose all my passion and de glamorizes it …what if …
I need to decide ..need to be clear about what i want but then I have always been this way succumbing to what I have in the fear that I would never have another quite like the first again. which but obviously aint true………………
I am as they say a mere mortal …with signs of occasional greatness which somehow in my existence I choose to obliterate by letting people… fears...Society …family …overrule my innermost strongest instinct ……
I need to teach myself to trust my judgment...to move away from self doubt …reflect inside to find happiness, contentment …..to love with an open heart and trust a friend….to live for every moment …and learn from them ……………..
I need to be an adventurer who raises her glass at the end of each day and says ………………La kheim……………………………….
But as they say you have to be patient and ironically life actually makes you do things that you would rather not sometimes…
Nope don’t get me wrong...Am not one of those people who blame the I ching or forces...just that am currently stuck in one of those routine quagmires that sometimes all of us find ourselves in and know that it would take sometime to find my way out…..i also know that I am not the only one here …am sure there are hundreds of people out there stuck in their own puddles trying to find there way out …
Like I said earlier i would like to start over …would like a fresh beginning...New challenges...New lands to traverse…would want to change what I do for a living .perhaps because I realize that with what I do I would not realize my full potential..
Want to do something creative …universal studios. Paramount here I come. Want to write a book. learn a language …swim…cook some more………live life …build my dream house…still need to decide the place ……
But like always the right choices are always the harder ones….there is a risk that I would fail. One side of me dares me to take the chance …to not succumb to the fear of failure...but the other side tells me that I am earning well. slowly gradually in this job I would rise …rise to earn some more… to be as they say well provided for …and yes that’s a relative terms and I know this job aint making me a millionaire but what about this dream job…where I don’t even know what would my fate be like .. Would I get hired …..Would i be able to make it..What if joining the job makes me loose all my passion and de glamorizes it …what if …
I need to decide ..need to be clear about what i want but then I have always been this way succumbing to what I have in the fear that I would never have another quite like the first again. which but obviously aint true………………
I am as they say a mere mortal …with signs of occasional greatness which somehow in my existence I choose to obliterate by letting people… fears...Society …family …overrule my innermost strongest instinct ……
I need to teach myself to trust my judgment...to move away from self doubt …reflect inside to find happiness, contentment …..to love with an open heart and trust a friend….to live for every moment …and learn from them ……………..
I need to be an adventurer who raises her glass at the end of each day and says ………………La kheim……………………………….
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