I must confess

I have always dreamed about this day...Imagined what it would be like to sit in bed and be able to write….me and a laptop ……( I have never been much for the paper and the pen ..Or rather used to be when I was younger well not that I am much older now but I think technology has a way of influencing most of us..Like my dad would say perhaps I am not self actualized yet. Running after material comforts in life)

Well on a broader perspective that may be true but I guess I am currently so enamored by my latest possession that well what do I say but me and my laptop,…..hmmmm..what a pretty sight…….i would not give this up for the world and mainly because its ten thirty in the night and I have a lot to say…I always have a lot to say but uptil now there’s very little saying I have done……….to anyone….

I have met many people and don’t get me wrong they have been truly remarkable, extraordinary ………

Sometimes I think my past has ruined me for life….just made me so cold and hard on both the outside and the inside...

I am not saying that I don’t feel …I feel a lot ….sometimes too much for my own good ……….but it has left me with this inexplicable inability to show emotion or love especially for near and dear ones when required…..

I debate with myself though about whether this is how it is or whether I really don’t have any feelings , compunction …guilt...love………. affection……Is it truly the way they say it is ……or is it that their lives complications experiences and past typecasts my relationship into an ideal mould………… which I should fit and which would determine the way I should be …….

Sometimes I think that I am not really a person of many relations..but then I find myself enjoying thoroughly the company of my family and friends and yearning for this one all encompassing perfect companionship and I have to concede I am only but as human as the next person ..longing for a little love and affection….

My childhood may have a part to play in the way I am with me always having tried to win love..Feeling that I was unworthy of being loved and then of course feeling the need to survive the negativity and hurtful banter …to shut out the world to live in my own magical dream world…which was perfect …

Where I was this girl who would eventually be rescued by my knight in shining armor…

Well most things remained the same over the years that feeling of wanting to be rescued despite knowing that life isn’t really like that and you normally have to rescue yourself …and there are millions who do not even have what I have and I should be grateful and thankful for at least having what I do …but the eternal optimist I could not remove that belief …the hope survived all the heart break, the turmoil, the change .. ………………..

i still can’t help wish for a rescuer ..not a knight in shining armor but a companion of sorts who would walk by my side all my life ….the only wish that I have though is that he loves me for everything that i am and everything that I am not ………..

I infact a couple of minutes back saw a beautiful movie …..Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan …..Youve got mail…simple sweet and perfect…….touched ur heart in all the right places and made me wonder if I could be as nice hearted as Catherine kelly in the movie …because I used to be that way a long long time ago where I felt a lot more and had the courage to share what I truly felt …what I am afraid of though is that if I did a reality check I would turn out to be tom hanks in the movie …..its not personal ..its business..well maybe because life has made me this way … I did not ask for it ….certainly didn’t want to loose that side of me but well small things here and then big things and I was this new person………..i used to once upon a time have small dreams and now sometimes catch my self drift back in time and realize in glimpses what would truly make me happy ………..

I want that small cottage with the French windows and the porch and a lot of wood..maybe wooden flooring and this huge garden ………with lots of flowers ..a house with laughter ….joy…….music …dancing…….and I want that one person to be there sitting with me ….where even the silence is comfortable ………words can be unspoken…where the laughter reaches ur eyes and where the smiles warm ur heart ..where you simply have to share and the days are not complete without each other………..where you could say something stupid and look ur absolute worst …..those old pyjamas which u should have never bought and yet ud be the most beautiful woman in the world ..where u bring joy to each other and share a friendship like no other ….god knows maybe I am living in a dream world….maybe it aint never that perfect and I will have to except it sooner or later….i don’t know if that is how it will be ..all I know is that I still can’t help wishing that the cynic in me is wrong all the doubts I have are wrong and I am blessed enough to find this one dream the only dream which has ever mattered coming true ……..

I have no patience left in me for relationships which run skin deep where u are easily forgotten and where ur mistakes aren’t easily pardoned. Where priorities and time schedules influence ur meetings and where u want to change the other person to suite ur needs…….

Infact that is not the only things which challenges me these days ..i think it’s a period of change ….i want to change my job ..Though I think that’s going to be a tough one ..i want to write…… but it’ll take me a lot of learning ………..i want to change the way I look ..Exercise…..i want to stop wasting my time in agony over relationships gone wrong and I want to give my life a fresh start..

If I could travel abroad and start afresh I would do it ..like an adventure starting over on something new ..with new lands to march new shores to see…….even if I didn’t travel abroad and I could change my job I would be happy ……..a new beginning…..

If I could quit and actually learn to write I would be happy …


so many possibilities………….

Don’t know which way life will take me now…………….