Queer................

Its been a strange day today ….a few wins and yet at the close of the day I feel this sense of loss………I did well today ..sort of saw one of my dreams comin true…or lets not call it a dream ..lets say one of my two second dreams cause it wasn’t a biggie ..it felt good for a minute and then the moment passed ..….

I didn’t know who to call ….P would not be in town …..S busy with harrowing managers and a dozen issues…m …n…… n ……maybe tell them in the evening when I am there…….hey wait a minute my hand reaches for the phone and then no……. no point ..wouldn’t understand ..wouldn’t be there ..wouldn’t care ..after all its my work …….my non required ambition …my problem

So I put the phone down …

i think I really need to get on with things ….definitely need to find that lovin feeling and some sunshine ..my minds craving for some peace …like the head which longs for rest on a cool pillow ……kick off my shoes ..stretch those legs ...throw back my head ….hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

But god who would have thought simple dreams can be so complicated….


My mind wanders ……met the rain man today….like the cloud which almost followed me around to rain me down…yup that’s how I would describe our relationship…why are people u hardly know and possibly welcomed with an open heart let you down. why are they mean & nasty when you in turn have done absolutely nothing to them……can still not figure that out ..what had I done ..did I ask to know them ..to ever be introduced ..to ever talk…..did I ask to be acquaintances or friends …then when I hear a no I wonder of the why??

Why Mr Rain man did you seek me out and rain on my day ……..why when I am not the kind of person who would have ever stepped in your way….why when you had no warmth or friendship to share………………..

Why be the dark cloud which rained on my day …and who’s cruel actions I will never forget ……felt cheated ..felt let down…felt hurt ……felt betrayed ..but ahh I guess that’s life…..

The memories are raw and you push them deep back down so they don’t resurface but heck………..each time we meet will always catch a glimpse of the rain man…………………..

La Kheim………………..

Yawn...its 1000 PM and the weekends soon going to be over...let it not be tomorrow …lord let it not be tomorrow …have not disliked my work with such a vengeance ..uptil now …..Catch myself wishing everyday that I didn’t have to go...That I didn’t belong there …that I had some choice and could actually exercise it …..It is a democratic nation after all….

But as they say you have to be patient and ironically life actually makes you do things that you would rather not sometimes…

Nope don’t get me wrong...Am not one of those people who blame the I ching or forces...just that am currently stuck in one of those routine quagmires that sometimes all of us find ourselves in and know that it would take sometime to find my way out…..i also know that I am not the only one here …am sure there are hundreds of people out there stuck in their own puddles trying to find there way out …

Like I said earlier i would like to start over …would like a fresh beginning...New challenges...New lands to traverse…would want to change what I do for a living .perhaps because I realize that with what I do I would not realize my full potential..

Want to do something creative …universal studios. Paramount here I come. Want to write a book. learn a language …swim…cook some more………live life …build my dream house…still need to decide the place ……

But like always the right choices are always the harder ones….there is a risk that I would fail. One side of me dares me to take the chance …to not succumb to the fear of failure...but the other side tells me that I am earning well. slowly gradually in this job I would rise …rise to earn some more… to be as they say well provided for …and yes that’s a relative terms and I know this job aint making me a millionaire but what about this dream job…where I don’t even know what would my fate be like .. Would I get hired …..Would i be able to make it..What if joining the job makes me loose all my passion and de glamorizes it …what if …

I need to decide ..need to be clear about what i want but then I have always been this way succumbing to what I have in the fear that I would never have another quite like the first again. which but obviously aint true………………

I am as they say a mere mortal …with signs of occasional greatness which somehow in my existence I choose to obliterate by letting people… fears...Society …family …overrule my innermost strongest instinct ……

I need to teach myself to trust my judgment...to move away from self doubt …reflect inside to find happiness, contentment …..to love with an open heart and trust a friend….to live for every moment …and learn from them ……………..

I need to be an adventurer who raises her glass at the end of each day and says ………………La kheim……………………………….

I must confess

I have always dreamed about this day...Imagined what it would be like to sit in bed and be able to write….me and a laptop ……( I have never been much for the paper and the pen ..Or rather used to be when I was younger well not that I am much older now but I think technology has a way of influencing most of us..Like my dad would say perhaps I am not self actualized yet. Running after material comforts in life)

Well on a broader perspective that may be true but I guess I am currently so enamored by my latest possession that well what do I say but me and my laptop,…..hmmmm..what a pretty sight…….i would not give this up for the world and mainly because its ten thirty in the night and I have a lot to say…I always have a lot to say but uptil now there’s very little saying I have done……….to anyone….

I have met many people and don’t get me wrong they have been truly remarkable, extraordinary ………

Sometimes I think my past has ruined me for life….just made me so cold and hard on both the outside and the inside...

I am not saying that I don’t feel …I feel a lot ….sometimes too much for my own good ……….but it has left me with this inexplicable inability to show emotion or love especially for near and dear ones when required…..

I debate with myself though about whether this is how it is or whether I really don’t have any feelings , compunction …guilt...love………. affection……Is it truly the way they say it is ……or is it that their lives complications experiences and past typecasts my relationship into an ideal mould………… which I should fit and which would determine the way I should be …….

Sometimes I think that I am not really a person of many relations..but then I find myself enjoying thoroughly the company of my family and friends and yearning for this one all encompassing perfect companionship and I have to concede I am only but as human as the next person ..longing for a little love and affection….

My childhood may have a part to play in the way I am with me always having tried to win love..Feeling that I was unworthy of being loved and then of course feeling the need to survive the negativity and hurtful banter …to shut out the world to live in my own magical dream world…which was perfect …

Where I was this girl who would eventually be rescued by my knight in shining armor…

Well most things remained the same over the years that feeling of wanting to be rescued despite knowing that life isn’t really like that and you normally have to rescue yourself …and there are millions who do not even have what I have and I should be grateful and thankful for at least having what I do …but the eternal optimist I could not remove that belief …the hope survived all the heart break, the turmoil, the change .. ………………..

i still can’t help wish for a rescuer ..not a knight in shining armor but a companion of sorts who would walk by my side all my life ….the only wish that I have though is that he loves me for everything that i am and everything that I am not ………..

I infact a couple of minutes back saw a beautiful movie …..Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan …..Youve got mail…simple sweet and perfect…….touched ur heart in all the right places and made me wonder if I could be as nice hearted as Catherine kelly in the movie …because I used to be that way a long long time ago where I felt a lot more and had the courage to share what I truly felt …what I am afraid of though is that if I did a reality check I would turn out to be tom hanks in the movie …..its not personal ..its business..well maybe because life has made me this way … I did not ask for it ….certainly didn’t want to loose that side of me but well small things here and then big things and I was this new person………..i used to once upon a time have small dreams and now sometimes catch my self drift back in time and realize in glimpses what would truly make me happy ………..

I want that small cottage with the French windows and the porch and a lot of wood..maybe wooden flooring and this huge garden ………with lots of flowers ..a house with laughter ….joy…….music …dancing…….and I want that one person to be there sitting with me ….where even the silence is comfortable ………words can be unspoken…where the laughter reaches ur eyes and where the smiles warm ur heart ..where you simply have to share and the days are not complete without each other………..where you could say something stupid and look ur absolute worst …..those old pyjamas which u should have never bought and yet ud be the most beautiful woman in the world ..where u bring joy to each other and share a friendship like no other ….god knows maybe I am living in a dream world….maybe it aint never that perfect and I will have to except it sooner or later….i don’t know if that is how it will be ..all I know is that I still can’t help wishing that the cynic in me is wrong all the doubts I have are wrong and I am blessed enough to find this one dream the only dream which has ever mattered coming true ……..

I have no patience left in me for relationships which run skin deep where u are easily forgotten and where ur mistakes aren’t easily pardoned. Where priorities and time schedules influence ur meetings and where u want to change the other person to suite ur needs…….

Infact that is not the only things which challenges me these days ..i think it’s a period of change ….i want to change my job ..Though I think that’s going to be a tough one ..i want to write…… but it’ll take me a lot of learning ………..i want to change the way I look ..Exercise…..i want to stop wasting my time in agony over relationships gone wrong and I want to give my life a fresh start..

If I could travel abroad and start afresh I would do it ..like an adventure starting over on something new ..with new lands to march new shores to see…….even if I didn’t travel abroad and I could change my job I would be happy ……..a new beginning…..

If I could quit and actually learn to write I would be happy …


so many possibilities………….

Don’t know which way life will take me now…………….

At the bottom of the ocean

Its amazing what a bit of lethargy combined with an exceptionally rough patch can do to most people .....from a marathon blogger to a has been michael johnson the decent is almost mercurial...like newtons theory of gravity where the apples have to rocket to the ground ofcourse......the theory of gravity i guess is psychologically equally relevant...what goes up must come down.....however what happens in the case of exceptional gravitional pull where you seem to be in a perpetual state of grounding......like the apple which never found anyone to send it flying into motion again happy to rest and perhaps be reduced to oblivion..............

people and life afterall arnt always kind.......on one such un kind day where it seems as though i need band aid for my knees hands and probably for a bit of soul too i find myself writing ..writing like there aint no tomorrow ..missing out on a lot of what i would want to say but caught in the intertwining of words and in weaving a story...and like magic i feel a lot of the day just drain away..the apple ofcourse in a medititational state of levitation...lol.......

Cause it aint everyday that your at the bottom of the ocean
With debris from your own ship wreck
and your body hurts from all the explosion
and your minds a terrible mess

you survived it cause u are a survivor
and you look like you handled it well
the bones aint broken ...
your body unscathed
you should be grateful as hell

but you swallowed all that water
all that salty murky water
it keeps oozin from your pores
and you scratch the skin
but the water aint leaving you
like the memories u always carry
and then it occasionally forms a flood in the corner of ur eye
forming a torrent amidst the ocean

water in water

no one can see

cause it aint everyday that ur at the bottom of the ocean

Touche!

She’s a good girl,
loves her mamma,
loves je -sus, and america too.
She’s a good girl, crazy ‘bout elvis, loves horses,
and her boyfriend too.
And it's a long day, livin’ in reseda,
there’s a freeway, runnin’ thru the yard
And i’m a bad boy, ‘cause i don’t even miss her,
i’m a bad boy, for breaking
And i'm free, free falling.
Yeah i'm free, free falling.
And all the vampires walkin' through the valley move west down venturaBoulevard.
And all the bad boys are standin' in the shadows,
and the good girls Are home with broken hearts.
I wanna glide down over mulholland i wanna write her name in the sky.
I'm gonna free fall out into nothin',
gonna leave this world for a while.

This ones to all the free falls..scrapes on the knees............long dicussions and ..those salvaging friends...god can we be evil....lol

Lightening Crashes............

Lightning Crashes"lightning crashes,
A new mother cries
Her placenta falls to the floor
The angel opens her eyes
The confusion sets in
Before the doctor can even close the door
lightning crashes,
An old mother dies
Her intentions fall to the floor
The angel closes her eyes
The confusion that was hers
Belongs now, to the baby down the hall
oh now feel it comin' back again
Like a rollin' thunder chasing the windforces
Pullin' from the center of the earth again
I can feel it.
Lightning crashes,
A new mother cries
This moment she's been waiting for
The angel opens her eyes
Pale blue colored iris,presents the circle
and puts the glory out to hide, hide

Goa Calling....

Incase your wondering thats the new slogan ive recently adopted.to tide me over the chaotic work routine....crazy boss ..busy friends and absolutely tragic lifestyle......i make it a point these days to just let myself go a little adrift every now n again......Goa ..hmmm its a beautiful city....the only place ive ever known which is so distinctly itself ..like a howard roarke from an ayn rand ...untamable....beautiful in its own overpowering way.....
and boy does it linger in your memories....brand recall .....mind share and all the rest of the management jargon...the only place with a tito's.. a mambo's.. a beach and ur own favourite shack....

A city of lights... a city of people...dancing... music... the ocean....

.......Goa is callin'